"Looks are not important"

One of the biggest lies told in online dating (this includes the strange world of Craigslist personals as well as dating web sites) is the sentiment that "Looks are not important." People will say that in their dating profile, or in a CL posting. Hell, I say it.

The truth is, of course, that looks mean everything. People really don't want to get to know what's on the inside if they don't like what's on the outside. Now, obviously not everyone is that superficial. But those folks are few and far between. If they exist, I certainly haven't met them. The one person I actually know who did in fact mean it when she said that looks weren't important was my ex-wife. Although, I did see her Facebook picture with her new boyfriend and she definitely has traded up.

Even I mean it, although I'd like to think that I'm not as superficial as others. Given a choice between a super-model with a double-digit IQ, and a "BBW" who is smart, funny, and creative, I'd go with the BBW each and every time.

Now, you may be asking this question: "Scott, you're just being paranoid. What proof do you have?" I do have anecdotal proof.

First up: online dating websites. I'm too cheap to pay for a membership at Chemistry.com or Match.com, and forget eHarmony (they rejected me after filling out the personality profile as not being compatible with anyone). I do use OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.

I've been a member at OK Cupid since June or July of 2008. I've sent out a few dozen messages to other members. My response rate is something like 7%. No, I'm not e-mailing photos of my genitals. That may seem like a strange statement, but apparently it's not uncommon for men to do just that. In the time I've been a member of OK Cupid I've been on exactly ONE date, and that was just for coffee. When I do message someone at OK Cupid I try to write something that is witty and interesting and not obnoxious. Yet virtually no one responds, even when I have a lot in common with the person I'm writing, nor do they ever say why.

Plenty of Fish is even worse. I've received one response to over 30 messages I've sent out. And in virtually every case, the person I'm writing to simply deletes the message without reading it.

Moving on to Craigslist, I've had the opposite experience. The women who read my postings will respond, and we'll correspond for a bit. And then, when it gets to the point where we exchange photos, guess what? As soon as I send mine, the e-mail exchanges end.

Here's a perfect example. Back in October a woman responded to my ad, where I had mentioned enjoying video games. She did as well. We exchanged several messages, and then fired up our Xbox 360s and played a game online. We had a good time. When we were done I sent her an e-mail saying how I had enjoyed playing the game with her. She responded by saying she wanted to know what I looked like, so I sent a photo. And...never heard from her again. It's very weird, but it happens all the time. Doesn't exactly do wonders for the old self-esteem, you know?

I've even gotten to the point where I'll mention my physical appearance in an ad. I'm losing the battle with my hairline, so I've brought that up several times. And I've had some responses along the lines of "I like bald men!" and of course, as soon as my picture is sent, the truth comes out: no, she really doesn't like a balding man.

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment as I don't let this continued rejection stop me. Maybe I should just give up and become a monk? Or a priest? Seeing as I've been essentially celibate for over two years, it seems like it'd be the perfect fit.